unpretty

during days when i don't look so pretty, people ignore me.




on days where i look like a million dollars, heads turn, doors are opened and eye balls follow.



this is a superficial world, no doubt.



i had my fair share of head turning experiences to know when it does not happen on unpretty days..

this a piece that was never published

Dear Me,

How have you been? It has been a while since we last spoke, last communicated. It has been a while since we last felt each other’s warmth breath and soft embrace. I missed you, more so today than yesterday. And definitely more when ‘morrow comes as with today.
Enough of the pleasantries.. now tell me, what happened? All these time that we are not in touch, I kept wondering what happened to us? I could not pinpoint the exact time that we drifted, the specific moment or event that took a wrong turn. What happened? Was it internal, external? Was it inflicted, caused or made? How did we drift so far apart without knowing? What happened?

Remember when we used to be one? Used to have so many aspirations, so many wants and wishes and so many ambitions? How we wanted to help make life better for ourselves, family, for society, for people who matter? Remember how we were so afraid of losing sight of goodness and charity in the pursuit of success and wealth? Remember the thoughts we pen down? Remember this circa 2009?

“it worries me. that in the pursuit of a career, a successful career, that i will somehow forget or lose sight about the things i want to do. help i want to offer and comfort i wish to give to those in dire need. satisfactions that i wish to get from seeing someone else's lips curve into a smile, whispers of 'thanks' escaping the mouths of those receiving. gratitude and appreciation in the eyes of the less fortunate. i wish to give, but i'm afraid that i will be too caught up with life and neglect those more in need than i will ever be. i wish that i will never forget this responsibility i put upon my shoulders, to carry out the duty of a civilian, helping another civilian in need. i hope i will always remember... every little act of kindness matters.”

I hope that it is not too late to write to you now. I hope that it is not too late to realize the ambition we once had and to relive the fire and wants now. I hope that we could reconnect and re-synergize. I hope that we could become one again, I hope that I won’t lose you anymore, I hope that you will respond and talk to me again.. I hope that the me 3 years ago could come back to be with the me today..

Lost and wondering,
Me Too

Stupid is as stupid does

I think no one is stupid, just not wanting.

Not wanting to know..
Not wanting to succeed..
Not wanting to grow up..
Not wanting to commit..
Not wanting to save..
Not wanting to learn..
Not wanting to be better..
Not wanting to be more competent..
Not wanting to put effort..
Not wanting to listen..
Not wanting to be taught a lesson..
Not wanting to give a chance.

No one is stupid. People are just resisting and not wanting to be cleverer.

of sex and monologue

and so they say that girls should be modest.. should stay at home. sexual liberation is forbidden, taboo to want sex. to want to fuck, to want to feel a man. bad girls go around, sleep around, have plenty of sex. used, dirty, whores, fucked. and so they say good girls know nothing about sex; ideally.

but shouldn't good girls be those who can take care of their own needs and cravings? and be good at self-pleasure?

if they tell me that absolutely good girls should not have notion of sex at all, it breaks my heart.

they, who? society, perhaps... maybe i am stuck in the time before now.

have you found your fight?

i seem to have this habit to write on Sundays. inspiration so to speak, to speak my mind.. time of the week to indulge and interact with all the thoughts, big or small, that have all been residing in my head. related or not, coherent or otherwise.

today's indulgence is to question a fight. your fight. my fight. our fight, together. their fight.

what do you fight for? what do you fight against? what do you think people should fight for, or should let go off?

there are so many things happening at the same time. massacre, earth quake, artist dying, your neighbour having a divorce, your best friend not talking to you, the schools in your hometown not having proper buildings, classrooms.. animals abused, trees being chopped off, technology work hand in hand with pollutants to kill Mother Earth.. just to name a few.

we can feel bad for all the bad things that are happening to other people, near or far. but feeling bad, pity, regret, compassion and whatnot can mean so much more if one were to take action and fight for a cause, don't you think? standing up for a cause and taking tangible actions should be cultivated. like how we are encouraged to save 10% of our salary every month, we should maybe dedicate 10% of our time to champion a cause, some causes.

source: Pictures and Quotes

have you found your fight? i am still looking.. i hope i don't have to look too long, or too far.

Honey, be glad to know me. I hope I have made an impression in your life as much as you have made an impact in mine. But IT IS JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN if you are going to pick and choose the parts and pieces of me that you want to have, to know, to love. KNOW ME, LOVE ME, EMBRACE ME for all that I am. My lameness, my love for all things explicit, all things censored, all things norm-defying. For only then you are able to have the whole of me as your friend, and nothing less.

MAKE IT HAPPEN LOVE,

BECAUSE I AM.

don't forget to remember..

the feeling of being seen when in the sea of people, is wonderful.

Happy Easter all~

the one on dad..

now that dad is no longer here. my home is more peaceful. less fights, less tension, mostly trivial. and also, scarily, i don't want to think that it has turned superficial. strong emotions stem from genuine care and concern, deep and much love.

i miss him nevertheless.

RIP Dad, i still wonder.

the mind speaks

you know why i don't narrate about my life but write somewhat incoherent thoughts? because my life is a bore

zombies live on saturday mornings

like what Thye Chuan said, 'Everyday is a learning experience'.

something happened on Friday, it was like i experienced an epiphany of sort. unlike a certain Alexandra Wallace, my epiphany wasn't interrupted.

it was an experience that i suddenly realise that 'hey, i can actually do this!'

right, i know. this post makes no sense whatsoever. thanks for reading, it's one of those brainless saturday morning posts.

anyone can play, not everyone is a winner

when you are the player, you are then not the linesman. players are not keen to be stopped when they cross the lines. players are not the ones drawing the lines anyways.

when you play, make sure you play smart so as to not get caught by the linesman..

it's simple, you just gotta open your eyes and keep 'em open!

I don't know how to start or where to start, public blogging has somehow feel weird for me. the self-consciousness, the knowledge that everyone and anyone could be reading what i write. it's overwhelming. and i haven't been updating this blog for a while as compared to the other one i have. and so it begins.. again.

i've became self-conscious of the people around me, the kind of people i mix with, the drive in people, the passion, the determination/goals (or the lack of), the habit, the views, the vision (again, or the lack of..) and the purpose in people. it's sometimes amazing, other times disappointing but always entertaining to watch, observe.

and do you notice how successful people always get up early? they start their days way earlier than normal people do? i'm trying to emulate the bits and pieces, habits or whatnot of seemingly successful people.. taken from Outliers, there must be some common grounds on how successful people behave, no? -this might be flawed, i have yet to finish Outliers-

and i guess i'll start my journey to success by starting my days earlier, than normal!

share with me, what other noticeable traits of successful people huh?


-apologies this post seem to not flow, like i said, i havent blogged for public consumption in a while now, it'll get better over time, i hope.

-this post is also influenced by Story of a New Habit: How I Started to Wake Up at 5am.

as honest as i can be, sometimes i don't see

as much as you try standing behind that pillar, people see.

as much as you try to stand under the spotlight, darkness overrules.

as much as i may tell myself i no longer ask, 'why' still escapes me..

cultivate mistakes

i think i now know what it feels like. for me to share my experiences with people younger than me, at the same time i have this notion in my head telling me, 'hey, let them experience life at their own pace. let them make all the mistakes. let them get burnt, let them go down the wrong paths. they learn at their own pace and they learn better lessons, more valuable ones than being told, being cautioned what is right/wrong/should/should not'.


when i was told/shared stories of how i should pay attention to this, consider that.. i reflect on all the younger people whom i've spoken to. like them, i should be allowed to grow at my own pace, make all the mistakes, collect all the experiences and venture into all the forbidden territories as much as i can to really learn..

we adopt habits as long as we live

a new habit that i've adopted. to check on work emails on sunday nights. i've long noticed that i could be quite the workaholic if i didnt put myself on checks.

coinciding with my believe for passion.

we respect ourselves the way we treat our work and the way we perform, the way we live life. utmost respect when we do things correctly and walking the extra mile. no, i don't think i'm stupid nor having a lot of wishful thoughts.. i know i can be somebody and go somewhere, just gotta work towards it, and work along the lines of dreams and aspirations.

i'm not stupid, i just need to get sorted out.

try as i may, i can never break free from the dark side. have been trying to tweak the look and feel of this site for the past one hour. still the same ol' red, dark and mysterious feel.

i envy people who maintain commercial blogs.

have you noticed?

have you noticed? how everything is either a 'reason' or a 'cause'.

quite simply put we often either 'justify' or 'blame'.

have you noticed?

and maybe i won't

i must remember, or consciously remind myself to not put off writing when i feel like doing it. there were a few thoughts that i've wanted to pen down these past few weeks but i put them all at the back of my mind and i never did. maybe it's not an entirely bad thing, if it's important or of enough significance, i will put it down at one of my vaults, somehow, one way or another, at some point in my life.

it's a keepsake, really. every single thoughts written in all my blogs are meant to serve as memories of times past. i want to be able to read back and relive the emotions that i've felt when i was writing the thoughts, experiencing the story. i want to be able to cry, laugh and shock myself at all the life experiences that i've gone through.. the times of silliness, immaturity and unstable hormones. and maybe, one day, i'll read some of my posts to my kids as their bedtime story.. maybe, just maybe.

the one on lemons

there is often no definite right or wrong answers in life. there is always a choice, if not choices. i think i can go to the extend of saying everything can be decided in accordance to a choice, or against an option. even when a terrorist points a gun to your head, threatening you to do something, you can choose to do it or not. it's a choice.

so when friends made passing remarks about my boobs, i often laugh with 'em. then almost quite regularly i will recap on what happened and re-evaluate the comments. 'should i flip? was he being rude? was he being sexist? it wasn't disrespectful, was it? hmmmm' all these thoughts will then flood my head.

a recent example is when a friend casually commented about me having to go for interviews and that the interviewer will probably be focusing on you-know-where, rather than looking into my eyes, if he was a male. honestly, i was quite taken aback when i hear that. firstly, i don't think my assets are that big a deal to make such impact (unless of course i show up for interview in low cut blouse complemented with push-up bra) and secondly, quite naively it didnt occur to me the subject of opposites attract, u know? male interviewing female candidates. i was focussed on it being a formal thing, employer to potential employee rather than male vs female encounter. the raw feeling of my hearing that was uneasiness, bordering at anger. 'did he just referred to me as a piece of meat to be auctioned? flesh on displayed to be ogled at and sold to the highest bidder?' and thankfully before my vicious conscience is able to feed my anger anymore, the other voice inside of me whispered 'hey, it's not like that. it's better to have assets than to have nothing at all. it's better to have been accepted to fill a position than be unemployed with the bills piling.' right..? right......!

so you see, i can make use of the situation to my advantage, or i can fight it and resist acknowledgement. but why make life so hard when it's supposed to be easier given the lemons?

'when life gives you lemon, you make lemonade!' right...? right!

ps: having blogged this, i sincerely think that none of my interviewers gawked at my lemons. and i'm pretty sure that i do not have to thank my lemons for the job that i've secured.

pps: before you start imagining (or worse, speculating..), my lemons are of decent Malaysian girls' size. it's urm, more outstanding coz of my small frame.

ppps: this is my view, and my views only. i'm not saying it is okay to make use of assets(whatever it is that you have) to secure a job/get something a person wants. kthxbai